podeamburnt
Bridges have been burnt; perhaps my own doing or others, but burnt they are. Burnt and dismantled and buried and rivers dammed and covered and forgotten. Trying to change things for the sake of personal posterity (as paradoxical as it seems, there is such a thing), I set out on a night of seeming mediocrity to be homogeneous.
A period of awkward awkwardness ensured.
I think I deserve better. Changing myself, even momentarily to fit in with these people, people I care so little for yet worry so much about, leaves a foul taste in my mouth. And worse still, it isn’t working.
So I decided to be myself.
And it wasn’t half bad, surprisingly.
There was very little social interaction though. That could account for it.
The second movie’s over, everyone who were watching it are asleep; others are still out on cycling trips or walk. I’m sitting at what Aloha Loyang calls a Game Table at 5:15 am waiting for bus services to operate.
This wasn’t as good as I hoped, but neither as bad as I feared. Still plenty of awkwardness, but I think I’m glad I didn’t make good on my decision to high-tail it out of here, and spend the night at a friend’s.
People can be funny, people and the relationships they form. This session is a form of closure for me. The last thing I’d be obliged to do with regards to the class. I think I may envy the close bonds most people here have; I look in from behind glass walls, smiling and pretending to understand yet understanding far more than I should.
Or I should, at least. Clinical, cold, and forming only caducous relationships with predominantly most “mates”, secondary school (or high-school) life has been a void for me.
Long and rambling and utterly pointless as it is, I think I’d still post this. Maybe with lucidity of thought (and the solace of an internet connection) the entry may re-write itself. Or maybe should I be granted mastery of the tangible (“written” has become a little dated, has it not?) word, the experience and feeling and thought would transcend said tangibility, and become experience and feeling and thought for the reader.
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